Sunday, September 02, 2007

Lonely (1)

It has been about 2 months since I moved to Kulim. Before going there, I thought I could catch up on my reading. I still have a few books bought in 2005 to finish. And there's a biography on St. Thomas Aquinas that I had since college days. But things did not go as we planned. I've been to few workplaces since my first pay check and work stuff does not bother me too much. I think I could survive in any work environment. But life issues. Now that's another story.

There's a saying I think that goes, 'to be in this world but not part of it'. I roughly understood as for us to be here on earth but don't forget our hereafter. As Mawlana sometimes say, roughly, we are like big rats in a sewer. Running after this dunya. And I am weak. And I am forgetting my purpose.

And there's another saying, ‘one can be lonely in a crowd’, or something like that. The first two weeks in Kulim were lonely evenings on 11th floor of Sunway Hotel in Seberang Prai. That saying hits right on.

As I looked down from my room, I see people. In mamak shops. ATM ques. Going to Billion supermarket next door.

But I am alone. No connection at all with any of them. And I sleep alone. Bertemankan tv yang ntah apa-apa cerita. Now I know how my mom missed me in when I was in boarding school. Somehow life comes full circle here.

That's the thing about our mind. We think we are always cool and know stuff. Back 20 years ago, I couldn't wait to leave home. Being at home is stuffing. I can't imagine what a mother's love then. Back then, love is stifling; love constricts; love doesn't let you go to experience life.

My oh my. Now alone in this creamish hotel room; I long for my son's voice. I long to know how is my wife doing.

And I sort of know what a mother's love is. So friends, carpe diem, seize the day. I may sound cliché but make your present matters to your loved ones. You’ll never know until the opportunity is not there anymore.