Loneliness (2)

To continue from last post, though I'm feeling okay now, I thought I should share some notes on this thing called 'loneliness'.

Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet came to mind at the moment; for his style of writing and things he said, but I don't have the book with me and not even sure if he wrote anything on this.

In these 36 years of living, I felt acute loneliness on two distinct occasions.

The first was around year 2000, I was working for a small EON Service workshop in Puchong at the time and the boss wanted to go into NGV cars. So I search a bit and told him that there will be international NGV Conference in Yokohama in a few months. And he said go. Fulamak I thought, never been out of the country since I came back from studies in 1994 and was feeling a bit happy.

So the day came, and as I was walking alone towards Japanese immigration, I thought alamakkk (trying to clear from swear words now :) ), I'm alone here on my own and was envious of other Malaysians in the queue with their group, happy talking together like they are already high on local sake.

Searched a bit on how to use Japanese train and managed to get to Yokohama station. Truly our mind is limited in its perception; we usually thought what we will experience according to our previous occurrences. I guess that’s why in some Sufi stories, the morale is to change our method of thinking from linear consequential to non-linear. And hence I thought Yokohama station can't be that much bigger than KL's. Boy oh boy, was I wrong. I think they have more than 20 platforms compare to KL’s 5.

And finally managed to walk to the hotel and went to the conference and all. And that night, alone in the hotel room and with no English-channel TV to watch, and no company nor cash to walk around; I felt I miss my family so much.

This went around for a few days until I dare myself to buy a scratch card to watch TV in the hotel room. I thought that card would give you more TV channels like Cinemax or something.

But guess what, it’s a card for Jap porno channel. He he he.

O well, lust … just like love, does not need a spoken language to communicate. Can’t remember now whether I asked the hotel for more soap bars that day!

Lonely (1)

It has been about 2 months since I moved to Kulim. Before going there, I thought I could catch up on my reading. I still have a few books bought in 2005 to finish. And there's a biography on St. Thomas Aquinas that I had since college days. But things did not go as we planned. I've been to few workplaces since my first pay check and work stuff does not bother me too much. I think I could survive in any work environment. But life issues. Now that's another story.

There's a saying I think that goes, 'to be in this world but not part of it'. I roughly understood as for us to be here on earth but don't forget our hereafter. As Mawlana sometimes say, roughly, we are like big rats in a sewer. Running after this dunya. And I am weak. And I am forgetting my purpose.

And there's another saying, ‘one can be lonely in a crowd’, or something like that. The first two weeks in Kulim were lonely evenings on 11th floor of Sunway Hotel in Seberang Prai. That saying hits right on.

As I looked down from my room, I see people. In mamak shops. ATM ques. Going to Billion supermarket next door.

But I am alone. No connection at all with any of them. And I sleep alone. Bertemankan tv yang ntah apa-apa cerita. Now I know how my mom missed me in when I was in boarding school. Somehow life comes full circle here.

That's the thing about our mind. We think we are always cool and know stuff. Back 20 years ago, I couldn't wait to leave home. Being at home is stuffing. I can't imagine what a mother's love then. Back then, love is stifling; love constricts; love doesn't let you go to experience life.

My oh my. Now alone in this creamish hotel room; I long for my son's voice. I long to know how is my wife doing.

And I sort of know what a mother's love is. So friends, carpe diem, seize the day. I may sound cliché but make your present matters to your loved ones. You’ll never know until the opportunity is not there anymore.

Interlude

Being a weekend husband has taken a bit on me ... so here's some interlude

Nasruddin was arrested and taken to court on the charge that he was stuffing horsemeat into the chicken cutlets he served at his restaurant. Before passing sentence, the judge wanted to know in what proportion he was mixing the horsemeat with chicken flesh. Nasruddin said, on oath, "It was fifty-fifty, Your Honor."

After the trial a friend asked what exactly "fifty-fifty"meant.

Said Nasruddin, "One horse to one chicken."

Cerita Anak

Fateh is having his mid-year exam at Sekolah Kebangsaan Batu 14, Puchong since last week. And yesterday he came home telling us that he's fairly confident in getting 'A' for his Jawi paper.

He said, "mula2 tak faham tapi lepas pakai otak, Teh boleh buat semua. Tapi satu je tak boleh buat ... satu muka surat!" Haaa, he he he ... anak ... anak. Apa nak buat, mak bapak dia dua-dua kerja, balik malam dah letih nak tengok kerja sekolah dia. Nasib baik baru darjah 2, hopefully later on we will be more involved in your academic son.

Da Bomb!

So, it was officially announced last Thursday that our whole department will be moved from KL to Kulim effective 1st June, 2007. We have heard about it a few months ago so it wasn't such a surprise. I could rant and bitch about it but in the end, we are still employees. Plus, organization-wise, the plan has its merits.

So, in times like this, meditation on things like below will be good for the soul ...

A day at National Zoo

These are the photos that made me wanted to buy a digital camera. Sometime ago we decided to bring Fateh to the zoo since we ourselves never been there. Judging from above, we made good timing too! By the way, that is not his 'fifth' leg.

We had a good day there. Though not knowing the schedule, we left our house early enough and made it to the few animal shows and enjoyed ourselves. The giraffes safari was nice. Seladangs too.

A good way to spend a day and it beats the mall anytime.

Bekam

It was the book 'Muhammad' by Martin Lings that made me wanted to do this. There's a reference there that during Isra & Mikraj that the angels were telling our prophet for his nation to do the bekam. So a few years later and some weeks ago I did it.

It was one of those days that I felt lazy to go to work and found an excuse for mc or whatever. By chance I went to Puchong Perdana mosque and saw this guy phone number on a poster for 'bekam'. Because he was trained by some MLM company, that apart from doing bekam they also sell herbal medicine, the equipment used seemed quite alrite; with proper sterilization on the syringe and all.

Contrary to my perception, it wasn't hurtful at all. However, to show you the 'front' photo would constitute pornography on my part.

Blog Updating

To my friend Elin & Lollies, sorry that I've not updated this for a bit. I'm feeling quite down at work at the moment and lost the appetite to write. Plus, I'm not that good of a writer or have much free time to produce good writing. But I think these people are:
http://www.bahrusshofa.blogspot.com/
http://superdervish.blogspot.com/

Incidentally, I started blogging just because I wanted to comment on Riza's blog. Never I dream that I could bring world peace or change the world by writing this.

But by golly, there was one time, not too many years ago that I dreamt of changing our Malay society. Though I don't know much, names like Che Guavara, Malcom X, Burhanuddin Helmi were always on my lips. I asked a few friends one time what they think of our society, and one replied, "What? Che Sayuti?". I knew it was hard work then and changed my hobby to playing Nintendo. And I was good at Mario Brothers too!

But dream and understanding is an elusive thing. If I may, remember those Calculus problems in Form 5? They were difficult to solve and understand at first, but after a few trials, voila, we feel a bit more confident to solve them. But trying to understand and solve the maladies of our society wasn't that simple. And at times it could be burdensome; until one time I was reading one talk/sohbet by Shaykh Nazim about the tribulations of our time and felt that I don't have to carry the burden anymore. Truly, 'understanding' is not something we could get by striving alone, it also has to be bestowed on us.

I wasn't planning to write about that but I digress. I actually wanted to congratulate our friend Phirdouse for getting married. Again. But never mind. Mabruk, mabruk.

A lesson in life ...

I don't know who said it first or where I got it from, but here goes ...


"Borrow money from pessimists - They don't expect it back."

Further Thoughts on the way to Work

Still on the subject of guidance, teaching, I remember our Malay peribahasa:

Kalau melentur buluh,
biarlah dari rebungnya.

And also the African proverb:

It takes the whole village to educate a child.

But how do we teach a virtue to somebody. I remember vaguely reading one of Idries Shah about a Sufi Master taking his murids on a journey and show them various examples of people persevering in their pursuits. The idea is for the murids to learn what perseverance means and keep the discipline in their own struggles. Listening about perseverance and seeing it in action is certaily two diffrent things.

We can’t just tell people to behave and everything will be fine and dandy after that. I believe this is so because within our own self, within this person that we call, for example sake, Fateh, there are various faculties at work. There are the egos, desires that try to go one way and the soul, the heart that wanna go the other way. Throughout human history, we could see this in the Yin/Yang, various facets of the Hindu gods, and even in the id, ego, super-ego of Freud. There’s a good introduction about this in a book called, appropriately, Book of Sufi Healing by Hakim Chisti.

In my own case, despite her temper, my grandma is one generous person. Whenever we go to visit some relatives, close or near, she will always bring a simple gift. Befitted orang kampung like her, the gift could be a few cans of condesed milk or a few kilos of sugar; and if she’s financially constrained, biscuits will do. And I hope to emulate her in that sense. If anything, charity is a good deed and could take away difficulties from us. May we do this more and more everyday. Aminnnn.

Black Magic in Malay Society

Just a rambling off my head and not meant to be an academic study. What prompted me was something that happenned to my mom few weeks ago. After a few visit to the doctor and not seeing an improvement, coupled with strange finding of several nails tucked neatly into a papaya tree in front of our house, grandma old school intuition wanted to try different avenues. After a few visits to several experts in the area, one of which head of top 'pondok'/madrasah in Kelantan, grandma's intuition seems correct.

We hope we could be among those who would be happy with our Lord in any situation. Shaykh Nazim taught to say 'syukurillah' (sp?) when something good happens and to say 'alhamdulillah' when in difficulty. Which to be honest, when I first heard it, it sounded strange to my Malay psyche upbringing; until I heard on IKIM radio something that suggests a similar manner.

But what I want to write is more about the usage of black magic or 'sihir' in our society. What happenned was, when we visited a particular healer/'bomoh' back home, it struck me that in the short span I was there, about 5 other people was seeking her service. And most of the cars are registered outside Kelantan! Now, forget about ntv7, this is a real 'fear factor'.

And from talking to several friends about this, it seems that sihir is quite prevalent. One friend who works in banking industry, is frequenting the famous Darul Shifa now for what thought to be a 'santau'. Another, a business owner in construction industry, told several scary stories about his friends who'd been had.

I thought 'wow', the only thing we can do is to turn to Him; Helper for those who are helpless, Pillar for those who has no pillars, and Guide for those who has no guidance.

And on this blessed Friday and 2nd last day of Rabiul Awal this year, may our Lord increase our love for His most beloved servant, place us among the Righteous here and hereafter, and place us in safety. Salawat & Fatihah. Amin.